The best jokes from Jimmy Kimmel's Oscar monologue

You wouldn't know from watching the Academy Awards that it was Jimmy Kimmel's first time hosting.

Here's a sampling of jokes from his opening monologue:

Trolling Justin Timberlake

"I hope the other guys from 'NSYNC were watching that performance, because if they were, I think there's a good chance they'll let you back in the band."

— Kimmel congratulating best original song nominee Justin Timberlake on his opening number.

On the Oscars' global appeal

"This is being watched live by millions of Americans around the world by 225 countries that now hate us."

On trying to unite the country through a 10-minute monologue

"This country is divided right now. People are telling me it's time to bring people together, 'You need to say something to unite us.' Let's just get something straight: I can't do that. There's only one Braveheart in this room (camera pans to Mel Gibson) and he's not going to unite us, either."

Paying Matt Damon a compliment, Jimmy Kimmel-style

"Tonight, in the spirit of healing and bringing people together, I would like to bury the hatchet with someone I've had issues with: Matt Damon ... Matt did something very unselfish and I want to commend him for it, for real. As you know, he probably could have starred in Manchester By the Sea. He's a producer. It's nominated for six Oscars, including lead actor. And he could have taken that part for himself. But he gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend. He handed what turned out to be an Oscar-caliber role over to his friend and made a Chinese ponytail movie instead. And that movie, The Great Wall, went on to lose $80 million. Smooth move, (expletive)."

It's all about perspective

"I, for one, would like to thank President Trump. Remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist?

Measuring racial progress in the movies

"What a wonderful year for movies. Black people saved NASA, and white people saved jazz."

Amazon recommends ...

"Amazon produced Manchester By the Sea. That was a fun movie. You know, if you search Manchester By the Sea on Amazon, it says, 'Customers who bought this item  also bought Zoloft."

Checking to see who actually saw Moonlight

"There were a lot of sad movies this year. Of all the nominees, the only happy ending was the one in the middle of Moonlight."

The obligatory Meryl Streep joke

"From her mediocre early work in The Deer Hunter and Out of Africa to her underwhelming performance in Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie's Choice, Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films over the course of her lackluster career."

Who are you wearing tonight?

To Streep: "Nice dress. Is that an Ivanka?"

Who will Trump tweet about tomorrow morning?

"Some of you will win and give a speech that the president of the United States will tweet about in all caps during his 5 a.m. bowel movement."


USA TODAY


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